Why my mother calls me at work
1. To complain that my father does not like sweet potatoes.
2. To wish me happy birthday, then argue with me when I inform her it is not my birthday.
3. To ask me if I’m at work.
4. To tell me that my father was lost in the Grand Canyon for about 30 hours, but they found him and everything is fine now.
5. To inform me that someone I never met has died.
6. To ask if internet shopping is “on the up and up.”
7. To tell me that fiber is very important and that people often become constipated when they travel.
8. To ask if I know an affordable “computerologist” who can “fix her internet.”
9. To demand a suggestion for her book club that “does not have obscenity, violence, magic, dying animals, cancer or more than 300 pages.”
1. Mister McMutt
2. Professor Puppypants
3. Lieutenant Lickerson
4. Baron von Barksnuff
5. Private Poopsmythe
6. Monsignor Muzzeldrool
7. Sir Sniffgroin
8. Doctor Dribbles
9. Admiral Assdrag
1. My husband opened the envelope. I was too nervous to do it myself. It contained results from my medical tests. “They found it.” he said. “Your mother’s wedding ring has been hidden in your colon since you were a baby!” It all made so much sense. That’s why I didn’t like butt sex.
2. The vending machine had an item labeled “sex”. It cost 75 cents. I was alone in the break room, so I figured I’d give it a try. I put in my money and a giant dildo popped out of the machine. It started vibrating. I took off my pants and mounted it. It wasn’t bad for vending machine sex, but I kept thinking I should have spent my money on cookies instead.
3. I was sharing a bed with two of my best friends. Sometime in the night they turned in to giant pandas and started having totally raunchy panda sex. There was biting and fur and mystery fluid everywhere. They didn’t ask me to join it. I was so lonely.
4. My looser ex-boyfriend was on my doorstep, begging me to take him back. I told him that I would, but only if he gave me the best orgasm ever. He warned me that he had bad gas. We did it anyway. He held in his farts too long and exploded in to a million pieces. I took a shower and cleaned my apartment. Everything went off exactly as I had planned it.
5. I was at a S&M convention with a small Japanese woman named Barney. It was a very confusing scene and I wasn’t quite sure what I was supposed to do. There was all manner of debauchery going on around us and I hesitated at the edge of the action. Barney screeched “This is so typical!” before chewing through her leash and running off in to the crowd.